What my best friend taught me about family
And my three musts in every relationship
In late March I officiated my best friend’s wedding, and it was probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. It made me think about how we celebrate milestones and rank our happiest moments, most of which are centered around ourselves. Which is fair; we’re living our one and only lives, so of course we focus on things that impact us directly.
But do we pause enough to truly be happy for others?
Fátima’s wedding had nothing to do with me. It was about her, her husband, and their big day. Yet seeing her happy and being able to serve in that moment gave me a sense of wonder. I looked around at the bride and groom’s family and friends. I saw the smiles, the happy tears. I witnessed the effort everyone made to be there (it was a destination wedding, which makes attendance particularly challenging)—and it made me feel good about humanity and our ability to show up for others.
I was over the moon for days after the wedding and thought, “Wow, it wasn’t even my wedding, why do I feel like I’m on cloud nine?” Perhaps it’s because my dear friend and I have seen love in all its shapes during our fifteen (or more) years of friendship. We’ve seen it shine and witnessed its absence. And it’s just incredibly beautiful when love takes over people and leads the way.
For a long time I thought my friends were just the ones I had in Mexico, and it took me a while to realize that I was finding wonderful people in Los Angeles. I have been prioritizing my friendships over the past few years, and I feel very fortunate to say that I have the best friends in the world.
I truly believe I have grown into a woman who has been wise about one thing in particular: choosing the right people to be part of my life. And I have been lucky enough to be chosen by them too. As an adult, I value things that seemed unimportant, boring, or didn’t even cross my mind when I was younger. Those things are: respect, boundaries, and reciprocity.
It’s normal to have conflict with those you love, but the moment respect is removed from the equation, I remove myself from the relationship. We can unintentionally hurt others; we all make mistakes. But respect is a rare and profound value, something that runs deep in our veins. When we truly respect someone, it’s simply there. Even in difficult moments.
I’ve never been more hurt than when I allowed people into my life who had no understanding of boundaries. Relationships without boundaries are like houses without walls, doors, or ceilings. There’s no protection from the night, the rain, the heat, animals, or strangers. A home offers shelter, and we choose when to open the doors or windows to let others in. My worth can’t afford to engage with people who lack boundaries, or who fail to respect the boundaries of others.
And I truly value reciprocity. I don’t need constant attention, but I am certainly done being the person who always reaches out to try to keep a relationship going. Relationships are a two-way street.
Respect, boundaries, and reciprocity. Fátima always gave me this combo, but it took me a while to realize this is what I needed (and deserved) in the rest of my relationships.
It’s pretty beautiful when you find that in more than one person and form a little family.
And that is the main thing that my best friend has taught me about family. That it can be chosen. That there is something as powerful as, if not more than, blood. Love.
As my friend Fátima wed and thus started her own little family, I saw her walk down the aisle knowing she was surrounded by the family she had already formed.
♥
Brilliant, Lucy, and wise -- shared on FB -- love you!
This made me smile 💜